Man oh man. First we gave you tips on how to make your lady like video games. Then we followed up with tips for a smooth transition from watching to playing. But what happens when the plan works too well? You could end up in a situation like mine.

To clarify, my lady has always been a gamer. She doesn’t play as much as me, but she plays plenty. When we started living together, there was only one TV in the house but we had two PS3 consoles, and a good amount of games. For the first two months, she barely played at all. I played whenever I felt the urge and, for the most part, she would just play a few rounds of Tekken Tag when I was asleep or busy. Our first minor clash came when she was returned her copy of Skyrim which she’d lent to a friend. She was on a mission to earn the Platinum trophy, so her play time picked up. I fully supported her pursuit of gaming excellence and she eventually earned the platinum trophy. Afterward, her play time decreased again.

Once the PS4 entered our household, the TV time skewed even more towards my direction. She was content to let me get to know my new best friend. She would watch me play different games, chime in with smart comments, and in some situations, provide a little bit of assistance. Although I still dominated the television, she still made time to play Skyrim or Tekken Tag Tournament. Leading up to the release of Metal Gear and Infamous, I was super excited to spend a great deal of time with each title. Little did I know, it wouldn’t quite work out that way. My daughter’s birthday was the day before the Infamous release, so I had to fly out to go celebrate with her, meaning I wouldn’t get to play Infamous until the following Monday. Unbeknownst to me, this left an opening that would disrupt my title as master of the TV. What happened? I’ll let her explain it.

We used to have our one little television. I had my slim PS3, and he had the bubble body PS3 that sounded like a lawn mower when it was on. He traded his system in for our PS4, and life was great. That’s the problem, though, everything was all good so it was bound to go bad. I think I blame the federal government for what I’m going through right now. Tax season came and we bought a “Big TV.” The HDMI port on my PS3 was broken, so the natural thing to do was to have the larger, newer TV service the newer, better PS4. So we moved the smaller, lower definition television to the master bedroom. Sounds good, right? WRONG. WRONG AS HELL. You see, I can’t see. I need glasses. So in order for me to play my games, I had to sit in bed like Mr. Magoo. I didn’t trip though, oh no, because I didn’t have anything to play anyway I’m a good gamer woman.

On March 18^th, that all changed. I finally got a game I’d been wishing for: Final Fantasy X|X-2 HD. I prayed hard for Square to make this, so I had to see it on the “Big TV.” On March 21^st, he got inFAMOUS: Second Son, and once he returned from NJ we squared off. I wake up earlier than he does, which means I claim the TV first. I hear his sighs of disgust each morning when he wakes up and realizes he has to wait until I stop playing before he plays. I bask in it. I let his misery wash over my body like gamer baptism and it is SO good. I go lurk his twitter timeline to see him “incensed” at the fact that he’s ready to play and he can’t. I taste the words on my tongue and revel at the bitterness. I’m getting chills just thinking about it.

When it’s his turn though, I’m still there with him. I still enjoy watching him play; especially inFAMOUS. So much in fact, that I even plan on playing. The whole time he’s playing, however, I’m ready to play again, kind of just wishing he’d wrap it up. I’ve gone so far as to have sex with him so he’d be tired and I could play some more. So what? I’m dedicated. I’m about 12 hours into a 90 hour journey and I’m ready to GET there. You know how many hours I logged on Skyrim? Over 415. Two play-throughs. I have things to do. As for inFAMOUS? It can wait until I have Lulu’s sphere grid completely filled in. I deserve the “Big TV.” How often do we actually get the HD remakes we WANT?? Not. Never. I rarely play new releases. I’m too quirky and I like my 3D fighters.  A Final Fantasy with the old school traditional turn based mode? I need that. On the “Big TV.”

Do you see this? DO YOU SEE IT!?!?!?! Let’s discuss a couple of things before I make MY case for the TV. First of all, having sex with me just to get to the TV is a level of deviousness I can’t reach. I’m both equally impressed and terrified. Second, that middle paragraph should be next to “petty” in the dictionary.

With that said, here’s my case for the living room TV.

• Better system, better TV. This has been a gamer rule since forever. I understand it is an HD remake but it isn’t on the graphical level of anything I’m currently playing. Playing a PS4 without true HD is like having sex with the woman of your dreams…..and you’re BOTH wearing a condom. You’re being cheated.
• She didn’t even WANT THIS TV. I had to damn near throw a tantrum for her to pick it. She was gonna get one of lesser quality. She doesn’t even appreciate it like I do. She didn’t even see a freaking difference until she got her damn glasses. I’m disgusted.
• If she plays in the bedroom and I’m in the living room, I am the first line of defense in the event of a break-in. She is safer in the bedroom. I’m just looking out for her.
• I’m kinda lazy. If I’m in the bedroom playing video games, I’m not coming out for anything. ANYTHING. I’m useless at that point. I don’t think she wants that.
• I play late at night when she is asleep. I’m sure being kept awake at night by the PS4 is unappealing. Especially if I’m in a party chat.

I’m sure I could find other reasons, but I’m not going to. We both know the PS4 deserves top priority and I don’t deserve this. As I type this, she is running around with Tidus doing a stupid sphere puzzle. I should be giving my brand new Neon powers a test drive at this very moment. Or learning how to keep from getting caught in Ground Zeroes. This is a travesty. It’s a sham. It’s a mockery. IT”S A TRAVISHAMOCKERY! I’m gonna put up a poll. Who deserves majority use of the living room TV? Do the right thing and vote for me to get the TV back. It’s your duty as gamers. Jerz out.